My Hardest Day..

{ December 10, 2009 @ 4:28 am } · { AciD's writing }

09 Des 09
22.40 WITA

This is the second day since you past away 2 days ago..

I know we’ve been not in relationship anymore since a years ago,
but we had been in beautiful moment for 4.5 years..

It’s not easy to erase your shadow at all from my heart.
Those pains, those cares, those laughs, those jealous, those anger, those trust, those supports are still drawn in my heart..

Yeah..after a year I’ve been fixing my broken heart, I found someone new..
He is totally different from you, I felt like found a piece of my heart that you took away.
But that still didn’t work at all.He just didn’t want to get closer and I realized that I wasn’t deserve for him.

Until..
You came to my life again since Sept’09. It began from my facebook. You sent me messages, comments that indicated you want to be with me again.
But I couldn’t..My heart already locked since a year ago. My feeling already closed for you. I tried to make a distance from you cos that pain still remains in my heart.

Suddenly..
07 Des 09, someone called me twice. I tried to ignore that,because I knew that it was from your friend.
I tried to sent him a message to ask what’s going on there.
He didn’t reply my message. I thought it would be better that I called him back again at lunch time.
I didn’t know why,my feeling always wanted to pick up my phone and called him.
It was all because I read a status at facebook that your friend needed a confirmation news about you..
He wrote that you were GONE….

BAM!!!!!
It felt like a big big big hammer hit me,broke my heart and made my hand shaking.

I was getting worry then..I tried to call your friend.
He picked up my call and I got that bad news..
Yeah..you were gone away from this world at Monday morning.

I was shocked. I was surprised. I couldn’t say anything anymore.
Even I couldn’t tear my tears at that time. My hand was still shaking while I was on call with your friend.

Suddenly, my heart felt so empty at all..
My mood was down at all..
My emotion,my anger,my feeling was getting complicated at all..

We haven’t meet each other to discuss about our pending ‘story’,but you already past away and left me..
Hiks..hiks..

Yesterday was the hardest day in my life..
Your friend sent a message that you wanted to meet me few days ago before you went away..
You wanted to say your apologize for our pending ‘story’..
My heart was broke again.
I could’t stand anymore.

Thanks God, You helped me to handle this guilty feeling.
I could went home from office earlier.
Then I went to Your Holy Home, Your CHURCH..

I spilled out my feeling..
I lied down on my knee with those tears which couldn’t stop..
This guilty feeling, this broken heart, this regret couldn’t paid anymore..

After those tears felt down, I was getting better than before.
I tried to let those complicated feeling was going down like my tears.
I tried to accept the fact that you were not in this world anymore.

I couldn’t be down like this.
I’m sure that you wanted to see me strong like you always said before.

Thank you very much for loving me until your last breath..(I already knew it yesterday from your friend that you wanted to fight for me as your lover again..)

People said that your soulmate is the person who you loved until your last breath..
Then,is it me your truly soulmate?
I don’t know..only Heaven knows..

I know you can hear me now..
I can feel that you are still around me, watching me from up there..

I just wanna say,,I’m really sorry for everyhing..
I just wanna say,,Thank you very much for loving me until your last breath..
I just wanna say,,Thank you very much for best moment to loving you..
I just wanna say,,I’ll do my best to take care your only one sister..
I just wanna say,,Rest in peace up there.. Don’t worry anymore about me, I will be stronger than before..

Jesus gives me strength..
Jesus gives me faith that I can make it through the rain..
Jesus gives me faith that I can stand up once again..
Walking down my way, keep believing that Jesus will sent ‘my Bashert’ for my endless soulmate..

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